The plan was to just make sure that it was all paid off, then it could be over. The debt was arguably the reason for wanting it to all be over. But it was just too much to handle. It was also too much to pass on to loved ones. So just pay it off, then it could be done. That’s easy, a quantifiable number pointing the way towards the end. An understandable goal is good. Receipt upon payment mister so-and-so.

So the work was done. It wasn’t that easy, but looking back, it wasn’t too bad. Not too bad at all. And surprisingly it didn’t bring with it the end. Only another beginning. It started all over again, but not from scratch. And then there were different goals and realizations. It could really be different this time around. People can change.

But then there’s the uncertainty of that last thing. And another thing. The pieces begin to build on top of the stomach, affecting the appetite. What’s happening down there? How about up here? That’s the explanation? Can’t it be stopped? It’s only an attempt to survive, but it must be poor and weak. Everything else says so.

What needed to be paid off was done so a good while ago, and it does the mind well to think that lessons were learned in the process; lessons how not to ever go through that again. It’s back at the beginning though. How could it be? More debt, but of a different kind. The same plan creeps up into view. It seems like the only option: just pay it off then it can be over. That isn’t actually an option though. The goal has not path and no end. So, that plan won’t provide the necessary trick this time.

Still, attempting to count. Quiet! Losing track. This is pointless. Too many defaults. Please forgive me.


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